And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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