Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
