you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
