I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
