He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
