someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
