Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
