Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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