tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
