I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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