Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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