life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
