don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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