I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
