What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
