I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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