So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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