my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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