home. puking in laundry basket.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Randomize
