I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
