why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
not ubering you a puppy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
