It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
