very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
