Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I smell stomach acid.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
