Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
