My liver just broke up with me...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She bit a glass in half.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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