someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
