I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
