It's Friday. Sex?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
