is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
