mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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