so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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