My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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