I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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