I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
