I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
