Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
