My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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