Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
