She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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