my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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