there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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