Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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