i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
