You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
