im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
