It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I look excited, but its just a facade.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
