Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
