i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
