he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
